What's Happening To Me?
by WomanOfWar
Summary: Loosing your mind is only a problem when you go looking for it, that is of course the sad truth.


They say that good always overcomes evil, that the cloud of twisted fate does have a silver lining after all. Well . . .

People lie. Humans Lie.

They don't tell you in those tales that the good guys die, that we lose those we love to the evil, the innocent, and the weak. They are just gone, like a leaf in a Windflare. Never to be seen again. I know that, maybe a little too well. They tell you made up lies, the COG is good at that, tell you everything will be alright, well it's not. It fucking sucks to live in a world like this, but—hey!

Nothing I can do about it.

I'm sitting on a rock outcropping on a mountainside behind my fucked-up village. My thoughts are strange to me now, zipping around, trying to keep my mind awake. That's all I can do nowadays, can't sleep very well, or at all.

Because they also don't tell you about the nightmares.

Of course they don't, don't tell you the enemy can get in your head.

I bring my knee up and prop my elbow on it, staring out across the valley: the winding blue river, the dark green pines, maybe even the specks of wildlife. At my level the birds flock and soar off in the distance, save for the random hawk that keeps landing on the tree next to me. I turn to look at it, but a breeze blows my dark bangs over my eyes, obscuring my view. They haven't gotten much longer now that I think about it, sitting here in my armor.

No, Anya's armor, loaned to me in a time of we-need-to-get-the-hell-outta-here. I still wonder if it bothers the old man, seeing me in his wife's armor. Does it gnaw at him, make him want to turn away from the surge of memories. I'll ask him later, when I'm done enjoying the view. It's only been three weeks since me and my loveable idiot friends discovered the Swarm threat, after they kidnapped my village and murdered my mother.

Correction: I killed her. I hate thinking of it that way, I want to blame it on someone but in the end it was me who cut her from those vines. Me, who took her life. Shaking away the thoughts I look back at the bird. Sleek brown with yellow eyes that keep looking in my direction. Beautiful but deadly. I lean back on my elbows and sigh, maybe this was actually helping. Genius—or Baird, who wanted the nickname so badly—had recommended that I take some time or, "hunt a wild pig and dance around the fire worshipping the boar's head." Word-for-fucking-word, that's what he said, the asshole. I reposition the red beanie on my head and sit up again, crossing my legs. My Lancer, the lovely thing, lies a few feet away on the stone, all alone. I'm tempted to ask it if it wants a hug.

I'm so mental now. I smile, that seems normal. As long as I play it cool around the others no one will know I'm mentally unstable at the moment.

Shifting, I close my eyes and try to clear my mind. Impossible, the first thing I see is red, and I'm thrashing in a sea of blood, trying to get air, but something grabs my thigh and then my foot, and when I look down I see the eyes of the Speaker and it grins as it drags me under.

I sit upright almost instantly, well maybe. Its midday now. I had that vision early this morning.

Holy shit, I passed out. I freeze when the next breeze blows past, I _passed_ out from just trying to relax, I passed out from a _vision_. I feel something cold in my stomach. Dread. If I do that in the middle of a battle, eating at the table with the others, and doing God knows what else. They would _flip _out, probably be scared shitless.

I grabbed my Lancer, the hawk was still there, watching me leave. By the time I arrive at the village the connection finally comes through and Genius is shouting in my ear.

"Where the hell have you been? I was worried I had lost you, one of my closest frien—"

"Save it! I was enjoying the view."

"Um- excuse me? I gave you the keys and told you to be back around midnight." Genius paused, "did you pass out? I mean, I doubt it because I doubt it because you like to tire yourself out to the point of no return."

I immediately deny it, walking through the ruins of buildings and the small pond with a thin layer of mist hanging over it. And when I get to my house, Genius is still yapping so I turn off my ear piece. He'll probably really get upset but it's nice to have peace and quiet. I go over to the barn and silos, climbing to the roof of the wooden structure and look out at the pasture, and its beautiful view. Minus the Raven that's storming my way. I sigh and climb down, waiting on the wide path that connected the barn to the house. The pilot landed, and waved. Sam.

I climb in and walk to the cockpit, hand on the strap over my head. Sam grins and asks me how it went, after a small chat I walk into the cabin and lean my head back, I don't sleep, I simply attempt to calm down my buzzing mind.

It doesn't work.

But then again, _will _it ever?

...

I sit at the table in Genius's kitchen, Sam sits beside me eating quietly. JD, Del, and Genius were off at a conference with Jinn, discussing how to improve the bots and whatever new intelligence the lieutenants had gathered. I had been pissed off severely when they told me they joined back, but I understood their reasoning. Apparently, they would be back soon. I focused on a chip in the marble table, and my mind got fuzzy, and then the world turned and I blacked out.

When I open my eyes I close them almost instantly from the blinding light in my eyes. I feel cool metal press into the back of my thighs, calves, arms and head, I'm lying down, possibly under the sun, because I'm pretty sure I just went blind. When I open my eyes again, I turn my head from side to side, my mind is still fuzzy. I twist my head to my shoulder and see long tubes connected to my arm and when I follow those tubes they are connected to some sort of high-tech machine that is displaying a holograph of my vitals. A red spot on my brain. Sam turns around in a white lab coat. Damn, the whole place is white and sterile, and the blinding light is coming from above my head. Shifting my eyes up I look at her. Sam smiles and strokes the bangs out of my face, almost motherly.

"How long was I out?" I ask my voice is a bit hoarse to my surprise, all I did was fall asleep. I don't sit up though, the fear of pain and/or falling of the exam table keeps me rooted to the cool metal surface. Sam takes a quick glance at me and then puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Thirteen hours." She muttered and then looked at my vitals once again. "How do you feel? Any pain, numbness, stiffness, are you sore, feel nauseous?" The questions come at me all at once.

"No. I feel completely fine."

"What's your name?" She asked.

"Kait. Kait Diaz. I'm an Outsider." I reply, my goddamn voice is still scratchy. "Do the others know?"

Sam shook her head. "I told them you went to bed early, it's only four A.M." Wow, I really did pass out at an early time, I try to do the math figure out what hour it was when I had passed out, but as usual my brain doesn't want to cooperate. I saw the Speaker again when I blacked out, and I heard its laughter, it's awful, booming laughter.

I then realized I was in different clothes. Tight black pants, gray t-shirt and black ankle socks. I shift again, and finally sit up. That's when the pain decides to show up, it crawls up my spine, fans out across my back and my head crackles with pain as I fall back on the table. I can't think, all I feel is pain, horrible pain. Sam puts a hand on my shoulders, "Kait calm down, sweetie, please." I'm breathing hard and out of the corner of my eye I see the vital display. It's jacked up, words are scrambled and the screen is glitching. I find myself on my feet the lights are flickering madly, then a sudden burst of angry energy drives through my skull like a spear, I crumple forward, clutching my head.

Shouts and roars, yelps and screams, fill my head, I see flashes of fleshy beasts charging an animal, a Juvie hatching from its pod, and then I see the Speaker, slumped on a throne of granite, holding my mother's necklace in one hand, and was petting a crouched Brumak with his other. Smiling, at _me_. Then it fades and I feel emotions, hunger, pain, satisfaction of death and killing. Then I see a hulking beast, all muscle and armored plating.

It—no, _she_, looks at me and screams.

I crouch down as I see other images, thoughts, and emotions flash through my mind, even my mother, palms pressed to my temples. Maybe running into a wall to knock myself out would be nice. But I don't, the pain is ravaging, spreading limb to limb, I squeeze my eyes shut. Blood is trickling from my nose, I am broken beyond repair, I realize that now. And the lights are now like strobes, flickering so fast, I don't see Sam, just black spots in my vision.

The pain is too much, so I scream.

_They say that it's mind over matter, not matter over mind. _

_ That you can overcome any nightmare because it's all in your head._

_ You can overcome intense pain if you focus. _

_ But that's a lie. _

_ Human's lie._

_ I wish it were true, because I want my mind back, I want to be able to overcome the pain and dreams._

_ But my mind is long gone, down the drain along with my sanity. _

_ I am now broken, I am now bruised, I am a creature, unholy, beautiful, and sinister._

_ I am a _monster.

. . ._ and no human can lie about that._


End file.
